She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
