it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
3 2 1 whiskey
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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