I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
