Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
