the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
