I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
