pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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