How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
