sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
