weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
