ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
