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she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
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