Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.