How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
