i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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