I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
