Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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