drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
