Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
