My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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