God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
