If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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