There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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