got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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