Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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