no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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