Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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