will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
