Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize