i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
