I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
