she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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