I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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