Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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