don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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