My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
