dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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