drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
