there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
