I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize