Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
