Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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