I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
