I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
