no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
