You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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