When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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