Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
