Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
