One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
