I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
