matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
