i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
