At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
