Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
