Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
