I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
